Bartending Rules

Not gonna lie.  A good bartender is 1/2 your best friend and 1/2 total asshole.  A bartender needs to regulate.  There is no question about it.  They need to make a living, they need to protect the bar, and they need to keep everybody happy.  It isn't the easiest job in the world.  The best part about a good bar is that the customer is NOT always right.  Not even close.  I stumbled across these rules for bar customers.  They are pretty much right on the money.   I have never run into a good bartender that doesn't appreciate this list.

BARTENDER RULES FOR BAR CUSTOMERS:



1.) Our names are NOT "Hey" , "Yo", "chief", "big guy", "dude", "brotha", or "buddy", nor do we respond to whistles!

2.) Mouths closed, money out! Just because we look at you, doesn't mean we're ready for you! 

3.) If we are making drinks, do NOT say, "When you get a chance..." 'Cause when we get a chance, we'll ask you what you need! 

4.) NEVER,EVER,EVER touch the bartender!!!

5.) When we ask you if that's it, we mean it! We DON'T want to hear, "I forgot...one more..." five times! 

6.) DON'T try to tell us that you bartend too! We know who does, and who does not by how you conduct yourself! 

7.) Do NOT order 'cranberry and vodka'!!! It's 'vodka and cranberry'!!! I know it sounds insignificant, but it screws us up! It's what separates the amateur drinkers from the pros! 

8.) There is NO SUCH DRINK called 'Ketel One and Vodka'!!! 

8b.) If you order a "Diet Rum and Coke" instead of "rum and Diet Coke", I'm going to laugh at you like the drunk asshole idiot that you are! 

9.) Do NOT start the order off with, "GIVE ME A STRONG DRINK!" You are guaranteed to have the WEAKEST DRINK EVER!! 

10.) Don't say, "I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU" if you don't know what that means! $1.00 tip is NOT taking care of us! 

11.) We don't care who you are or who you know- the guy before you hit on us too and the guy before him and the guy before him... We're bartenders, we want your money--WE'RE NOT GOING HOME WITH YOU. 

12.) Waving you money at us just annoys us - We know you're there and we'll get to you when we get to you!!! 

13.) NO TIPPIE, NO DRINKIE! 

14.) When we say Last Call, we mean Last Call! No, you can't get a drink when the lightsare up, no matter how much money you have. MY JOB IS WORTH MORE.

15.) DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT PRICES!! You drink expensive shit, you pay for it, don't kill the messenger! And, contrary to popular belief, by no means do we make a commission off the prices of the drinks! If that were true, I would have retired years ago. 

16.) Yes, there IS alcohol in it! If you can't taste it, you've drank too much and I should cut you off! 

17.) NO SLEEPING ON THE BAR! 

18.) Just be nice to us! Things work out better that way...they work even better if you tip well... 

19.) Know how to order/pronouce your drinks. Do NOT say, "Can I get a Stoli's and Tonic?" It is ONE Stoli, TWO (plural) Stolis. The same goes for ordering "a Jameson's" Look at the bottle! It's: JA-ME-SON. No " 's " 

20.) I can't wait to throw your stupid drunk ass out, once you cross the overall rule-of-thumb: "DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE....." Don't be That Guy!

21.) You do not have to say gimmie a corona with LIME. We KNOW it gets a lime jackass. Gimmie a corona will do just fine.

21b.) And if u DON"T want a lime, do you really have to say scream lime? Cant u just take it out when we give it to you. 

22.) If you Do tip us well and we decide to buy you a drink DO NOT anounce that to the WHOLE bar that the Bartender "hooked you up" You will NEVER get a free drink again!

23.) If your total comes out to something .50 and you walk away leaving us the change... seriously don't even bother. Wait for your 50 cents and then go. And then make sure if your gonna come back that you go to a diff. bar tender because you will get a stare down and some kind of sarcastic smerk.

24.) If we say that we don't have something, that's exactly what it means... Do not proceed to ask for it 5 differant ways... WE STILL DON'T HAVE IT!!

25.) Know what your going to order before you walk up to the bar and get the bar tenders attention. Don't wail your arms and shout for us, then tell us to hold on when we finally walk over to you... We Will walk away and then make you wait.

26.) Don't ask us if we know how to make something, most likely we do! Just ask for it and if we don't know what the hell you just asked for probably because one of your friends made it up, we'll tell u.